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'About'Original PostsBurmabell hooks


First of all, I am neither an empty man-socket nor a fucking venus flytrap. I am not looking to “attract a man.” I am just trying to do my stuff and then maybe meet a person who likes me because I am also a person.

— Lindy West, “Listen Up, Ladies: Here’s Everything Real Men Think Is Wrong With You” (via ewbanh)



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faineemae:

  • It is absolutely haram (unlawful) for a man to harm his wife. The Prophet ﷺ prohibited harming others in general,1 and intensified that prohibition for harming other believers.2 If one is taught to hold ordinary people – with whom one shares no special relationship – in such sanctity, then what of the person one is linked to in the “weighty, serious bond” of marriage (Qur’an 4:21); who is one’s “garment” (2:187), and who lives under one’s ri’aaya, care and shepherdship, as mentioned in a prophetic tradition?3 Allah has described marriage as a relationship of kindness, mercy and love (30:21), and commands men to deal with their wives in an honorable way (4:19). Rape, abuse, ill treatment, and inflicting harm – be it physical, verbal or psychological – are completely unacceptable in such a relationship.
  • It is true that the contract of marriage grants a husband the right to intimacy with his wife, and vice versa, however, this does not imply that one can seek to obtain this right violently or forcefully. Just as in any situation in which one has been deprived of one’s due rights, one must go through the proper channels to resolve the matter in a just and honorable way. At no time does it become permissible for someone to take it upon themselves to harm the other party in a misguided attempt to ‘take their right’. This would amount to a type of vigilantism or seeking of personal vengeance that has no place in Islamic tradition, in which we are taught to defer such disputes to those with religious and legal authority.
  • People often defend such behavior by citing prophetic traditions that strongly discourage women from refusing their husbands if they approach them for intimacy. While these texts underscore the importance of a wife fulfilling her spouse’s sexual needs (a reminder the Prophet ﷺ gave to men in a number of statements as well,5) they cannot be used to justify force. One such text goes on to describe the husband as one who, after being refused, “goes to bed angry.”6 If it were truly acceptable for a man to force himself on his wife, why wasn’t such an act mentioned here as a viable alternative to his wife’s refusal?
  • Some people also seek to confuse this issue by citing the verses in the Qur’an that outline a disciplinary method of dealing with a wife who is nushuz.7 8 These verses are probably among the most misunderstood, misused and misapplied of the Qur’an in our times, and must be understood in their proper exegetical context. Since an in-depth explanation of these verses is beyond the scope of this article, it will be sufficient to state that darb - which is often translated as ‘to strike lightly or tap’ – has been strictly defined by our scholars and has numerous restrictions and conditions.9 From among them is that it is done in a manner that would not cause humiliation or harm to the person, and that it is only done when it is a means of helping reconcile between the spouses, and is not a cause of resentment, enmity or hatred between them.10 It is impossible for such verses – whether looked at lexically, exegetically, or otherwise – to be used to excuse violent or forced sexual relations with one’s wife. Dr. Jamal Badawi succinctly rejects these types of false claims by stating,

“Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any Muslim can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Qur’an or hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person(s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet.”11

The crime of rape is classified not as a subcategory of ‘zina’ (consensual adultery), but rather as a separate crime of violence under hiraba. This classification is logical, as the “taking” is of the victim’s property (the rape victim’s sexual autonomy) by force. In Islam, sexual autonomy and pleasure is a fundamental right for both women and men (Ghazâlî); taking by force someone’s right to control the sexual activity of one’s body is thus a form of hiraba.

Rape as hiraba is a violent crime that uses sexual intercourse as a weapon. The focus in a hiraba prosecution is the accused rapist and his intent and physical actions, and not second-guessing the consent of the rape victim. Hiraba does not require four witnesses to prove the offense, circumstantial evidence, medical data and expert testimony form the evidence used to prosecute such crimes.

This is even within Marriage.

read more with sources



goldenphoenixgirl: EVERYONE needs to know this. This is how nearly all abusive relationships play out, nearly all of the time. It’s very, very common and very important.  Bear in mind that “violent outbursts” can also mean mental/verbal abuse, shoving or holding someone down, throwing things at the person or threats. Usually, this cycle worsens and worsens throughout the relationship. The violent episodes last longer and longer and the honeymoon phase gets shorter or may disappear completely, leaving the relationship bouncing back and forth between tension and explosions.  Please reblog if you think your readers could be helped by this?

goldenphoenixgirl:

EVERYONE needs to know this. This is how nearly all abusive relationships play out, nearly all of the time. It’s very, very common and very important. 

Bear in mind that “violent outbursts” can also mean mental/verbal abuse, shoving or holding someone down, throwing things at the person or threats.

Usually, this cycle worsens and worsens throughout the relationship. The violent episodes last longer and longer and the honeymoon phase gets shorter or may disappear completely, leaving the relationship bouncing back and forth between tension and explosions. 

Please reblog if you think your readers could be helped by this?





I am in love with my ex, and he is very stubborn. I told him that I regret breaking up with him. He told me ealier in the week that he still had feelings for me, but he needs to think of it. I can't get him off my mind and I'm worried that he is gonna say we can't be together again. And I also feel horrible about myself because I hurt him bad. Advice?


Oh anon.

I can give advice, or try to, but I hope you keep in mind that this girl here is one who’s been single forever, so when it comes to relationship problems… *cough*

First of all *hug* and you get a cookie. *offers cookies*

After that: my first instinct, at the sound of how he’s acting (which is going to sound very very harsh and please keep in mind that I do not have all ze info here and so I can only draw poor conclusions and so don’t break your heart, I could be wrong: is he’s playing around with you, he may be a bit miffed you broke up with him and is being immature and using this to get back at you because yes some guys are jerks and do this), is to tell you to ditch him because no guy is ever ever ever worth the tears and agony. See: Manal’s words.

Fine so there’s a few guys who’re worth all the tears and agony, fine. I am not however, necessarily saying this one’s worth it, but well.

Do not be apologetic for your feelings. Do not be guilty you have them. Do not feel terrible for possibly ‘hurting him’ (how so, pray tell? Because you broke up with him? You’re allowed to) Stop it. You are only torturing yourself and there is no point in it. You have feelings, you are entitled to them. Okay? You think of him all the time, you worry, fine. I know how that feels too.

If he cuts it off, I’m sorry. But please know this does not make you any less of a wonderful person, and it does not make your feelings foolish, and if he can’t see how wonderful you are, then well, his loss. Don’t turn it to bitterness, but if he’s a jerk and possibly immature and suffering from a hurt ego and can’t get over his pride, then he isn’t worth it. And don’t feel bad, there will be someone, you’ll find him, who’ll totally falls head over heels with you and who you’ll love and he shall be better. Okay?

If you want to come off anon and talk, I’ll all ears. Use the submit box to ramble if you like. I won’t publish it. If not, I’m still here, if something happens, okay? Good luck and all my love.

And stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault.



Debunking Myths: Jealous Girlfriends (and boyfriends)

“A jealous girlfriend/boyfriend is a faithful girlfriend/boyfriend. If she/he doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers/his.”

I call this the ‘jealousy myth’ and have a huge huge huge problem with this statement. The hugest of problems. Huge. So huge.

Because what it is saying is:

-Jealousy is good.
-Jealousy means faithful.
-If they’re not jealous then they’re cheating on you and don’t care about you.

No. No. Just….no.

Jealousy is not a good thing. Never ever ever ever is it ever ever ever a good thing. Let’s process this: JEALOUSY NO GOOD.

(Interlude: In the ‘jealousy’ family there is a little sister which is a jealousy which is good- it is feeling the slightest bit envious of someone over something but it is a respectful envy, a I-want-to-be-like-that/ I-want-to-have-that envy which could be a good thing if the person who’s jealous is trying to be better but it is usually not considered ‘jealousy’ per se, and anyway, it doesn’t apply in this particular situation. So jealousy is bad. K? K.)

Jealousy will sour things. It will cause problems. It will cause rifts. You know what jealousy means? It means someone is unsatisfied, and it means there is a lack of trust and true connection. That is what it means.

Of course, we’re humans, and every once in a while someone may feel the slightest bit jealous- and curious?- if their significant other is talking to someone else but the point is to NOT go overboard and overemotional and HATE HATE HATE YOU TALKED TO HIM/HER OMG because that’s over-possessiveness and not healthy.

And if you love someone truly, then you’d want them to be happy, right? So if they’re happier elsewhere… sigh. Then perhaps it’s for the best? Or talk to them. Talk. Communicate? (But if they’re actually cheating with you, and lying about it, then ditch them, you deserve better. I know some couples don’t care but for me, if someone lies, that’s- no. That is a violation of trust, and no.) But for goodness’s sake don’t assume things and jump to conclusions.

But anyway, I just wanted to say that jealousy does not equal being faithful or all that.



arawella:

i usually am not the greatest person to even talk to when it comes to ‘love’ so i suggest you never ask me about relationships or tell me a lot bout your own relationship problems.
i actually do listen to people discuss it with me as if i’d give you a good answer.
i’m not going to really have a successful one because of my own problems so i’d rather be a better person person now than rush into something i don’t know.
i might say ‘aww’ to cute couples but only because i think they are adorable, i just hate naive people who think everything works out..
Also i’m 18 and i dunno how having a person ‘caring’ about me that way would do to me, i’m immature when it comes to that and lack that sense of response or something.
i also don’t like showing my feelings to the opposite sex-well unless they are my friend or whatever-because it makes me feel weak or vulnerable or whatever. 
I don’t like the feeling of weakness.
Not that i don’t want to get married, i do someday when i’m ready to even handle a person’s love or whatever.
To be honest i just don’t believe in ‘forever’…you can’t really be in love ‘forever’ can you?  

I do agree and relate with most of all of that but-

Frankly speaking I think the way love is portrayed- or the feeling of being ‘in love’- is a stereotyped version of the giddiness that comes from the first stages of infatuation. Or lust. People mistake this for love and I don’t think that’s what love is supposed to be because I don’t believe that’s going to last, really.

For me love is companionship and being comfortable with someone and just… caring about them enough that you want to spend your whole life with them. And are willing to dedicate yourselves to them wholly and want them to be happy and don’t mind their flaws- not in that “oh you’re amazing and there’s nothing wrong with you really” which is a bit fake but more of a “I know you have flaws and I don’t mind them, or am willing to help you with them”.

And I think it’s based on compromise and mutual understanding more than anything. Because I’ve seen married couples who have both arranged marriages and who don’t, and the one thing in common I’ve seen with relationships that work is not the giddiness of being ‘in love’, per se (although that too, yes, and the giddiness don’t mean they don’t actually love each other), but the understanding. That is love. I think.

Of course, I could also be wrong, what with never having actually been in a relationship. So.



I’m in a relationship with my sleep and it’s complicated.

VERY complicated.