That sums it up
[trigger warning for the commentary below]
This reminds me of a discussion we had in school, and one girl was talking about living in fear of her safety because she is a girl, and this guy chimed in and was all “It’s hard for guys too! I’m so awkward around girls! It’s embarrassing!” Yeah, not the same thing, exactly?
This reminds me of an article about online (heterosexual) dating that I read a while ago. It listed men’s and women’s worst fears about meeting someone from online. The highest ranked fear that men had was that their date would be fat, whereas the highest ranked fear that women had was that their date would turn out to be violent and kill them.
I think that says a lot.
Its interesting also that these fears sit subconsciously until woman are asked to exams their responses to men. We women will operate with this fear in mind, the way we protect ourselves, make sure our friends know where we are when we go on a date, words that we use while interacting with men, all in hopes they will not kill us, but simultaneously love us.
I think bell hooks made a point about this in her series on love. something along the lines of how can women hope to love and receive love from men when at the foundation of our relationships there is this strong fear of men. you can’t build true trust when your foundation is crumbling under you.
the scariest part is, once you recognize this fear, and face it, how do you address it when there is evidence of “good” men abusing, hurting, and killing women everyday?
I was in my early 20’s when one of my homegirls broke this down for me.
I was in a broken relationship, and one of the things was that bugged me at the time was that the girlfriend at the time would freak out whenever I got angry - I never yelled, never throw or hit things, mostly, I just needed some time to cool out.
“Why does she get scared when I’m angry? I’d never hit her!”
“But she doesn’t KNOW that. She can’t assume that. Look at how many dudes are out there pulling shit.”
And that stuck with me for a hot minute. The relationship was broken on so many levels anyway, but that fact still remains, as a man, I can’t fault women for assuming the worst in order to protect themselves, especially how the world’s patriarchy and misogyny rolls.
My brain knows that my husband won’t hit me. Really, the logical part of me totally gets that. But when we’re arguing he has to stay on the other side of the room & not yell too loud because my fight or flight instincts have 25+ years of being hard wired that loud = violent & our 11 year relationship isn’t long enough to undo that.
I’ve had continual discussions with Tchy about this, and I don’t expect to stop. It’s fair to say that there’s no one in the world that I trust more, and he has been extremely careful with me, but… the fact remains that he leans quite a bit towards the masculine, and this means that that fear is always there. The news of transmasculine folks abusing/raping people doesn’t help that fear any. :(
I’m learning not to apologize for it. It’s not my fault (nor, really, is it his) that I’m scared of dude-type people. But it’s always there. Which is another reason why I get so pissed off when trans men try to make transmisogyny about them.
men, read all of this please. including the commentary. esp if you consider yourself a Nice Guy.
This is an incredible thread of responses. I’ve seen this quote before, but not the dialogue that built up around it. The part about loud=violent hits home particularly hard for me. I am terrified of getting into irl arguments with men, especially when they get loud. It’s always going to sit in the pit of my stomach.
white girl says “i am not Trayvon Martin……and neither are you, fellow white people.”
THIS is how you collect your folks.
These two shit-for-brains directly represent the interests of the CIS-RUN and CIS-DOMINATED music industry with their album, concert and merchandise sales. The people that are funding the new projects of these “allies” would no sooner piss on a trans* person’s teeth if their gums were on fire than actually think about the negative effect these “artist’s” actions would have on the communities they’re supposedly trying to ally themselves with.
INTENT ISN’T MAGIC AND IT DOESN’T MEAN JACK SHIT. At any rate, their intent isn’t “benevolent”. They aren’t looking to improve the lives of the trans* community or raise awareness or even be fucking allies. They are looking to make a bunch of fucking money on record sales, merchandising and ticket sales, bottom line. They are looking for another set of tour dates, another Grammy nomination, another platinum record, another album deal from their labels.
I can guarantee the last thing on their minds is reducing transphobia and increasing equality of gender identity and expression.
These cis people are profiting off the identities of trans* people. People suffer, people are attacked, people die for these identities, but Katy Perry and Lady Gaga can do whatever they want with them because “we need all the help we can get”?
I say, loud and clear: FUCK THAT NOISE.
Nobody gave them permission to speak for us. Nobody has the right to grant them that, nor do they have the right to claim it for themselves. Freedom of speech/freedom of expression, my ass. How about freedom to be an appropriative sack of cis scum?
You want an application for the phrase “die cis scum”? Here it is! You’re looking at it.
These advances the trans* community has made? They weren’t made because shits like Perry and Gaga dressed up and did a little one-two on stage and sold some records and said on stage how brave and beautiful we trans* people are. They were made because trans* people like us kept waking up every day, kept breathing, kept living, kept fighting. People just like Perry and Gaga, people with “benevolent intent”, have turned their backs on us when it was no longer convenient or profitable for them to stand with us or even slightly near us.
They day we accept cis people as our saviors and let cis people fight our fight for us is the day we allow for the undoing of everything we and our predecessors achieved.
there is so much commentary i agree with on this photo so you’ll be seeing it a lot on your dash okay
I fucking dislike both of them and usually wouldn’t want their faces on my blog but great commentary.
I keep saying I despise katy perry but then I remember lady gaga and i hate her even more. for everything they’ve said and done in the past and now their latest trans appropriation
im just waiting for them to start blackface
Maruf Hotak, commenting about the recent protests in Afghanistan in reaction to its largest U.S. base burning Qur’ans and referring to an episode in Helmand Province when American Marines urinated on the dead bodies of men they described as insurgents and to a recent erroneous airstrike on civilians in Kapisa Province that killed eight young Afghans.
From Glenn Greenwald: The causes of the protests in Afghanistan:
The U.S. has violently occupied their country for more than a decade. It has, as Gen. Stanley McChrystal himself explained, killed what he called an “amazing number” of innocent Afghans in checkpoint shootings. It has repeatedly — as in, over and over — killed young Afghan children in air strikes. It continues to imprison their citizens for years at Bagram and other American bases without charges of any kind and with credible reports of torture and other serious abuses. Soldiers deliberately shot Afghan civilians for fun and urinated on their corpses and displayed them as trophies.
Meanwhile, the protesters themselves continue to be shot, although most American media accounts favor sentences like these which whitewash who is doing the killing: “running clashes with the police that claimed the lives of another five Afghan protesters” and “in Nangarhar Province, two Afghans protesting the Koran burning were shot to death outside an American base in Khogyani District” and “protesters angry over the burning of Korans at the largest American base in Afghanistan this week took to the streets in demonstrations in a half-dozen provinces on Wednesday that left at least seven dead and many more injured.” Left at least seven dead: as As’ad AbuKhalil observed, “notice that there is no killer in the phrasing.”
It’s comforting to believe that these violent protests and the obviously intense anti-American rage driving them is primarily about anger over the inadvertent burning of some religious books: that way, we can dismiss the rage as primitive and irrational and see the American targets as victims. But the Afghans themselves are making clear that this latest episode is but the trigger for — the latest symbol of — a pile of long-standing, underlying grievances about a decade-old, extremely violent foreign military presence in their country. It’s much more difficult to dismiss those grievances as the by-product of primitive religious fanaticism, so — as usual — they just get ignored.
and i’m tired of how it is conveniently ignored that when the europeans came to the continents of now-called latin america, africa, asia, polynesia, wherever there were Black and Brown folk, they cried out that our ways of living, building, eating, dancing, were primitive, backwards and to continue to live in those traditional ways meant punishment, even by death. large family homes made of mud and cow dung, or those out of reeds and banana leaves, were all labeled inferior by the european worldview whose discourse relied on a nature (read Black and unhuman)/culture (read white and therefore human) dichotomy. And so trees were felled and wooden single family homes where built. (This is a vast understatement). Plant-based meals supplemented by an occasional animal kill was looked down upon by glutenous european lifestyle and industrial livestock farming introduced to feed the workers of the slave system-fed industrial revolution. seeing the world as a fabric of life, full of plants and animals as members with as much of a right to life as humans, was scoffed at. treating resources like water, the sun and the earth as beautiful in their own right and essential to human well-being was systematically suppressed. these ways of living and loving on this planet were silenced and oppressed and deemed primitive. ANNNND NOWWW white environmentalism celebrates people (and only those certain people who ‘choose’, that is have the privilege to not choose, but then do) who are knocking down their wooden houses and building adobe houses, using earth ovens, talking about deep ecology and the connectedness and inherent worth of all creatures and elements, as rach says “like it’s some new shit”. and they are “enlightened”!! green imperialism……
SMH LOOK HOW BIG IT LOOKS COMPARED TO THE KA’BAAH, WAY TO BELITTLE THE HOLIEST PLACE ON EARTH. smfh and what the hell is that pagan moon on the top…the moon and star dont represent Islam. smh saudi just smh.
This is what they’ve done, built all these huge, intricate buildings around the Kaabah to make it look small and meaningless, even though I’m sure there’s a ruling against that.
The only reason they’ve built everything around the Kaabah is to make it Umrah and Hajj easier and more organized for everyone. Why on Earth would you think they built those the buildings intending to ‘belittle’ the Kaabah? That’s absurd.
Unfortunately, the huge high-rise towers don’t serve that purpose at all. They’re merely hotels and shopping centres and that clock…They desecrate the Kaabah and the entire area in my opinion. I hate it. >: |
This is seriously my biggest problem about saudi along with all it’s misogynistic practices and the stupid emphasis they put on luxury.
Signs of the last day The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied, “That slave women give birth to their mistresses; and that you see barefoot, unclothed, beginning shepherds competing in the construction of tall buildings.”
You know what’ seven more annoying about this photo? There’s a pagan idol on top of “Allah.” the crescent moon.
I agree with all of this except for the part about the ‘pagan idol’ moon because the moon is a symbolic piece of art that comes from how we follow the lunar calendar (and the new moon marks a new month) so it’s not there as a ‘pagan idol’, no one is worshiping the moon here.
That post was just edited and that last commentary was added because a follower pointed out this fact and I can’t believe I missed it. Well, it’s here now. And I’m reblogging to mark it. Salaam.
This is a rant. A very long rant, and one that most people will hate me for, but that’s ok.
I don’t like seeing pretty hijabis on tumblr. I know this sounds wrong, but hey, what the hell? This is how I feel, and this is MY blog, so I’m going to say whatever the hell I want.
Masha’Allah, some of the hijabis on here are stunning, and they obviously know that since they’re the ones who are choosing to expose their beauty to the internet world by posting up their pictures for everyone to see.
Let me get this straight:
- Posting pictures of yourself means you’re a seductive hijabi.
- Wearing desi clothes and make up means you’re trying to be seductive and therefore don’t deserve the respect of men.
- Girls who don’t wear make up and tight clothing aren’t considered pretty.
- Posting pictures of yourself means you’re not modest.
- Posting pictures of yourself, getting a piercing, or a tattoo, or wearing what you want means you’re loose.
I’m sick and tired of people acting like it’s no big deal that Chris Brown will be performing at the Grammys.
I’m frustrated that the mainstream media is covering this story like it’s any comeback story, like an exiled prince’s return to a former glory, like this is another political timeline — as though some rich and powerful old white men in the music business have not just issued an enormous ‘f**k you’ to every woman who has been, is or will be on the receiving end of domestic violence.
We should be furious.
Why aren’t we?
A Long, Long Time Ago, or Three Years Ago, But Who’s Counting?
For those of you who are currently listening to ‘Look at Me Now’ and wondering what the big deal is, a quick recap: The night before the Grammys in 2009, Chris Brown got angry at his girlfriend, Rihanna, and he took it out on her face. She went to the hospital and then to the LAPD, where this photo was taken and promptly leaked to TMZ. (The LAPD issued a stern statement on the leak, threatening penalties “up to and including termination”. TMZ reportedly paid $62,500 for the photo.)
Both Rihanna and Brown had been scheduled to perform at the Grammys the following evening. Neither did.
Instead, Chris Brown turned himself into the LAPD at 7 pm, was booked on suspicion of criminal threats and was released on $50,000 bail.
Then the Internet exploded.
I was a full-time entertainment writer at the time, so I had a front-row seat to the action. This is what I expected: I expected a string of celebrities to comment on how horrific this situation was, how sad and angry they were for Rihanna, how domestic violence is unacceptable in any context, how as a nation we need to condemn this and condemn it loudly.
Instead, Hollywood went silent and, when they did speak, they teetered on the brink of defending Chris Brown.
Carrie Underwood: “I don’t think anybody actually knows what happened. I have no advice.”
Lindsay Lohan: “I have no comment on that. That’s not my relationship. I think they’re both great people.”
Nia Long: “I know both of them well. They’re young, and all we can do is pray for them at this point.”
Mary J. Blige: “They’re both young and beautiful people, and that’s it.”
Jay-Z, one of Rihanna’s mentors, spoke up: “You have to have compassion for others. Just imagine it being your sister or mom and then think about how we should talk about that. I just think we should all support her.”
In a sane world, Jay-Z’s statement would sound insane. Why would he have to remind his fans to support Rihanna after what happened is that she got hit in the face?
Jay-Z issued that statement because the Internet was, in early February 2009, engaged in a very serious conversation about whether or not all of this was Rihanna’s fault. In fact, large segments of the Internet had devoted themselves to making Rihanna the scapegoat for any woman who ever had the gall to do something worth getting hit, and then the cloying self-esteem to go to the cops about it. Bloggers and their commentators flocked to Chris Brown’s defense in droves. It was a full-blown tearing-down of female self-worth, an assault on any progress women have made in this country in the past 200 years, and the mainstream media ignored it.
It horrified me. It still does.
Later in February, a photo of Brown riding a jet ski in Miami hit the Internet, and singer Usher was caught on video commenting on it: “I’m a little disappointed in this photo,” Usher says in the video. “After the other photo [of Rihanna’s bruised face]? C’mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man’s on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?”
The backlash was so severe that Usher was later forced to publicly apologize.
“I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended,” he said. “The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved.”
The message we sent to young women was unmistakable: You are powerless. You are worthless. You will be a victim, and that will be okay with us.
The Fall-out, and the Lack Thereof
In August 2009, Brown was sentenced to five years probation and 180 hours of community service after pleading guilty to felony assault.
In December 2009, he released his third studio album. It sold over 100,000 copies in its first week and debuted at #7 on the Billboard charts.
On June 8, 2010, Brown was forced to cancel his tour dates in the UK when the British Home Office refused to grant him a work visa on the grounds of “being guilty of a serious criminal offence”. Less than three weeks later, he performed ‘Man in the Mirror’ at the BET Awards’ tribute to Michael Jackson.
His fourth studio album, released in March of last year, debuted at #1.
In December 2011, Billboard crowned him their artist of the year.
And, this week, Grammy producers confirmed that Chris Brown will be performing on Sunday’s show.
“We’re glad to have him back,” said executive producer Ken Ehrlich. “I think people deserve a second chance, you know. If you’ll note, he has not been on the Grammys for the past few years and it may have taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened.”
Read that quote again. Think hard about what is being said. Here is what this quote says to any woman who’s ever been abused:
- By blacklisting Chris Brown from the Grammys for a “few” years (actually, a grand total of TWO Grammy Awards), the Grammys have gone above and beyond expectations for the social exile of an adult man who hit his girlfriend so hard she went to the hospital, and honestly it was really, really hard for them to show even that much support for victims of domestic violence worldwide.
- It was rather thoughtless of Rihanna to go and get herself hit in the face by her boyfriend, because it’s put such a burden on the Grammys. Maybe if she hadn’t made such a big fuss out of it, things could have been easier for everyone.
- The Grammys think that they were the victim of Chris Brown hitting Rihanna in the face.
- The Grammys. Think. That they. Were the victim. Of Chris Brown. Hitting. Rihanna. In the face.
Hitting People Is Wrong, Y’All
I agree that people deserve a second chance. It’s great that we live in a country with a justice system that allows offenders to reclaim themselves and their lives after their sentence. I’m happy about that, and I hope Brown is a changed man at the end of his sentence. (The US justice system has Chris Brown on probation through 2014. It was nice of the Grammys to let him off a couple years early for
high record salesgood behavior.)
And my suspicion is that Rihanna has no interest in being a poster child for victims of domestic violence. She probably wishes this would all disappear, and I don’t blame her for a minute. She didn’t ask for this – for any of it – and she’s under no obligation to speak out about it.
But someone has to. Because what is happening here is unmistakable. It is, in my eyes, so unmistakable that I wonder if I’m wrong, if I’m missing something huge, because I cannot believe more voices aren’t railing against this.
We – the grown-up influencers in this country, the people with platforms and with educations and with power — are allowing a clear message to be sent to women: We will easily forgive a person who victimizes you. We are able to look beyond the fact that you were treated as less than human, that a bigger, stronger person decided to resolve a conflict with you through violence. We know it happened, but it’s just not that big of a deal to us.
We were so mad when the Komen Foundation pulled its funding for breast cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. “This is not fair,” we shouted. “This is not fair to women, and this is not fair to the women who don’t have a voice, and we will not allow it.” We shouted it so loudly that Komen reversed its decision in three days. We forced the resignation of one of their top executives.
Planned Parenthood, no doubt, has a well-funded and fine-tuned PR machine, adept at galvanizing a population against a perceived injustice. They outmaneuvered Komen easily.
Does domestic violence have a less sophisticated PR machine than Chris Brown does?
Because to me, this situation isn’t all that different. Accepting that Chris Brown gets to perform at the Grammys because some people bought his album is no different from accepting that women without health insurance don’t get to be screened for breast cancer because some VP at Komen is anti-abortion. It may happen, but that doesn’t mean we should tacitly accept it. What if Chris Brown had hit your sister that night? Or your daughter? (What if Chris Brown had hit Taylor Swift that night?)
We’re accepting the message that women just aren’t that important, that their health and their safety and their self-respect is only important until it stops being convenient for everyone. We should be angry about this, and we should be angry publicly about this.
So I want to say this to anyone who is listening: This is not okay with me. A man hitting a woman in anger is unacceptable and is not easily forgotten or forgiven. A man who hits a woman in anger deserves to be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, regardless of who might be inconvenienced in the process. A man who hits a woman in anger may eventually be permitted to go on with his own life, but he is not permitted back in my life, even if it’s been three whole years.
Guess who’s not watching the Grammys tonight? If someone hits someone once, they will do it again, and again and again. And when the victim gets sick of it and leaves (if they ever do), the abuser will move on and find someone even weaker and smaller to hit. And that is not okay. That is disgusting, no matter if it is a man or a woman being hit. This is one of life’s simplest lessons: you do not hit people to settle a conflict. If Chris Brown cannot comprehend what a five-year-old can, I really do not think that he deserves the money he earns. Frankly, every time a song of his comes on the radio, I change the station. If he is on TV, I turn it off. I will not buy his music no matter how good it sounds because HE IS AN ABUSER.
I think that anyone watching the Grammys tonight should swap channels when Chris Brown walks on to perform, or just not watch at all. See how they like those apples.
when people talk about me getting married and who I would good look with and who I should marry and what not, I just sitting there like can I please grow up first and make my own bed in the morning and finish all my homework at night and make myself breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday and pray on time everyday and don’t waste time and read and write and stay focused and keep my room clean for more than a day and read quran everyday and learn more about my religion and my life and what I want to do with it and how I want to live and try to strengthen my relationship with God and work on every negative aspect of myself and my character and fix myself…. and then I can talk about getting married.