On crimes against the self [trigger warning self-injury]
Reblogged from caviarmpits
The real reason why acts of self-harm are viewed in such a dramatic way — as being frightening, disturbing, and worthy of counteraction in order to prevent further acts — is the attachments other people have to the self-injurer. When one person cares for another, obviously they are going to react negatively towards that person experiencing any kind of injury, and it’s often the fact that the subject of concern is injured, rather than the cause or the purpose of the injury, that stimulates them.
Unfortunately, this completely neglects the experience of the self-injurer, and although motivated by a (presumably) genuine desire to help, usually just causes more pain. Being personally hurt, or behaving as though you are personally hurt, by another’s acts of self-directed harm will only increase the sense of shame and guilt the other person feels— and usually, self-harm has already created feelings of shame and guilt for the act itself. The concern a person feels for a self-injurer often makes the damage that is done by self-injury even worse.
It’s a messy situation.
But it doesn’t have to be.The negative stigma attached to self-harm is so intense and socially-pervasive that it can be difficult for anyone to understand why this is not necessarily a damaging method of coping, or even a method of coping at all. Unless the person doing violence unto zemself regrets the act directly, or wishes ze could stop for reasons other than this stigma and feels powerless against zer own emotional state, it is not within the rights of anyone else to judge zem for it.
Occasionally, hurting oneself in ways like cutting or burning can be a person’s last-ditch effort against more severe forms of self-harm that would have more lasting consequences than a few scars. The reality of superficial self-injury is that, even in the long run, it does not affect functionality the way a seriously debilitating act of self-directed violence might.
In this way, the safe haven of self-harm can prevent worse, or more damaging, acts of violence such as suicide or attacking others. When used for this purpose, self-harm may be considered a poor coping skill — ideally, a person would possess the self-control to simply choose not to act, especially when that act involves harming others — but it’s still an effective coping skill, because it does prevent those things. This is a situation wherein the obvious symptom, the self-harm, is not actually the problem that needs to be treated, and focusing on it can exacerbate the underlying issue.
The desire to end self-harm in a loved one is of course not intended to increase their suffering, but just like you cannot control a person’s choice to self-harm, they cannot control the reactions people will have to that choice. It’s within your rights to feel shocked and dismayed by self-harm, but insisting that the self-injurer is responsible for these feelings is wrong.
We call this “boundary issues.”
It is when someone does not automatically understand that what you do with your body is your own fucking choice, and they really don’t have the right to observe it and react at you like you’re some object that exists to affect them. (See: objectification of women in society. Sister, it ain’t just us.)
Many people are thrown by the concept that someone might desire to inflict harm upon what is implicitly the most sacred of all temples; the vessel for life. Sometimes, unlike the scenario described at the beginning of this post, it’s not the injury itself that perturbs a loved one— it’s the fact that this injury was caused by the very person suffering it. That blows their mind. “Why don’t you see yourself the way I see you?” they wail, “Why don’t you believe as I believe that you don’t deserve this?”
As heartfelt a sentiment as that may be, it unfortunately suggests that their perception should be your perception; it demands that their opinion of you — no matter how kind and uplifting an opinion that may be — becomes your opinion of you. In a perfect world, the positive opinions that others have for us would be inspiring, supportive of good self-esteem and mental health for all. In this world, they often cause undue stress over maintaining a certain image; they cause terrible feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation; and can in fact force someone to hide a problem that might otherwise be solved.
In all instances, stigma creates more harm than it prevents.
All that matters in life and in fact the primary goal of therapeutic psychology is for people to attain a level of function that allows them to achieve personal satisfaction, pleasure, happiness. If you are just fine with self-injuring and it does not interfere with, or perhaps even enhances, your desired life-goals and daily functionality, then it is by clinical definition not a problem.
Never, EVER feel guilty about someone’s reaction to you unless you were specifically trying to elicit it. Without the presence of your intention in the equation, your responsibility for the consequences is stricly limited.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Does it interfere with my ability to function or attain happiness?
2. Are there any potential consequences I have not considered to the best of my ability?
3. Am I trying to hurt someone else?If the answer to all three of those questions is NO, then do whatever the fuck you want. Your life; your decision. If anyone else tries to blame you for their reaction, they are overstepping the bounds of personal responsibility.
When people are more upset by the fact that an injury was caused by an act of self-harm than the injury itself, it implies that injury caused by external forces over which we technically have no control is more acceptable than controlled injury. I personally find this far more disturbing than an act of intentional self-harm— that we would prefer to entrust our health to chaos and accident rather than our own conscious decisions.
The implications of this against self-control — which I believe to be the absolute most valuable ability a human has, at all, ever, absolutely — are staggering… and ironic, when you consider that a self-injurer is often perceived as being out of control. What nonsense.
Unless you are one of the few mentioned at the beginning of this post who feels powerless to stop, you are quite clearly exerting self-control when self-injuring. I say embrace it, and tell anyone who says otherwise to get the hell out of your business. If someone is managing their emotional pain by treating it with physical pain, who are we to suggest this should not be their choice? That their pain can be solved in other ways?
If someone you love is repeatedly hurting zemself, don’t make zer life even harder by flipping out about it, or by making your feelings zer responsibility, or by forcing your opinions of the act onto zer motivations. ASK THEM WHY they do it. If they honestly cannot answer, then a little intervention might be in order; otherwise, tell them you’re available if they ever want to talk and that you absolutely will not stigmatize their decisions, and then shut the fuck up.
Saving a person from zemself is not your job.
I’m sure this post will make me seem like an insensitive prick to some, but all you have to do is pay attention to the various caveats I’ve placed on the opinion presented to understand that I am not referring to people who need that kind of useless sensitivity. If you want help, get help— by all means. There is certainly no shortage of folks willing to believe you’re fucked-up enough for it.
I am talking about the people who DON’T want help, or who don’t need it, and are constantly and aggressively told that they DO. If you self-injure and are perfectly fine with it, don’t listen to… you know… all of society trying to tell you that you’re sick. If you self-injure and just need a fucking break from all the excess emotional reactions the people in your life pile onto you like it’s your responsibility, DON’T LISTEN.
You’re just fucking fine.
Just mind the veins, y’hear?**
** specifically in reference to sustained self-injury with no intent of suicide. If you’re aiming for suicide, you’ll be minding veins in a very different way.++
++ I’m okay with suicide, too. Your life; your decision.As the biggest source of stress regarding my self-injury is other people making me feel guilty about it, this post is really important to me and I actually entirely agree with all of the content expressed in it. SI can often prevent someone from doing something far more damaging, but spending an hour long therapy session talking about the SI itself and not the reasons or the causes isn’t very helpful.
If you’re going to cut yourself, I think you should at least enjoy it rather than wallow in guilt about it.
So I’m really into this post. This post sums up everything I feel about SI. I understand reading it could be triggering, but I’d really like it if my followers did and maybe added their input and experiences about how strongly the stigma surrounding SI has hurt them, if it’s not too painful. I’d really like any conversation about this to happen.
This is one of my favorite parts because it really helps me feel less guilty and understand what is my responsibility and what isn’t:
It is when someone does not automatically understand that what you do with your body is your own fucking choice, and they really don’t have the right to observe it and react at you like you’re some object that exists to affect them.
I’m reblogging this again because it’s so important to me. :(
Reblogging because this is interesting.
